What have you for Christmas from Joan?
Well really, a brand new cell-phone!
You lucky old thing.
I’ll give Susie a ring;
For I don’t yet have one of my own.

My old one eventually perished
No matter that I’d it so cherished
Gave one last “Low Bat”
I thought “Only that?”,
And then it just suddenly vanished.

I managed for so long without one
But found that was way, way too far gone
All the friends that I had
Were texting like mad
And me without communication!

Some people are just great to hear from,
While others, well leave them alone
Alas there’s no choice,
With text or with voice,
They’re all in there – right in your phone.

I know there’s a function called ‘reject’
The result isn’t quite what you expect
When I used it the last
I just sat there aghast
It turned into some shapeless object.

There’s also a thing called “Call Forward”
Which supposedly transfers it onward,
To a number you choose
But so easy to lose
It all if you entered it backward.

Some phones let you stay incognito
They allow you your number to veto
But try it and see,
You may find just like me,
That the service provider says “Oh no!”.

The phones now all come with a language
That you must fast learn how to speak;
Instead of a word
A word? How absurd!
For all they emit is a squeak.

The screen now, fantastic invention,
But I wonder just what’s the intention,
Text flies by so fast
As if “Orders Last”,
And of me there is never a mention.

The technique of texting – compression,
It’s almost like mental regression
Ever shorter the code
In text-only mode
Till it almost becomes an obsession.

Now a twist that has turned me quite pale;
To access the Web with this snail?
Unless you’re a geek
It will take you a week
Just to send out one standard e-mail.

Decoding the stuff drives me barmy
The results always tend to alarm me;
I fear “mind unsound”
For the questions abound;
Where, with what, who, and whose army?

Size reduction is always a factor
And often the salesman’s new vector.
If taken extreme
Can no longer be seen
Then we’ll all need a cell phone detector.

The old screen they’ve taken away
“Then how do I see it?”, you say
Just press this one here
Not that, this one, my dear,
And up pops your plasma display!

The keyboard, now what a disaster,
Can’t they dream up a new one that’s faster?
Four presses for “s”?
Was it three? let me guess.
Heck, now where did they put the eraser?

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