One day, in a moment of idle reflection, my mind jumped to a past experience that, at the time, had been a cause of acute embarrassment for me. That thought linked up to another such moment, and before long I was parading a sequence of such events through my mind.
Apart from a couple of unusual ones, most seemed to be coupled with mishaps pertaining to the alimentary canal, and I suspect that many other people will have a similar experience. Why? Simply because this is where things seem to go wrong most often.
My earliest experience was of filling my pants while at Sunday school as a youngster, and I was absolutely mortified!
The teacher was an absolute angel. She soon had me calmed down, cleaned up, and sent on my way home, with freshly washed underwear clutched in a bag, and a note of explanation for my mother.
Things like that are of course most difficult to handle when you are away from your own home. A similar incident occurred much later when I was visiting a girlfriend’s home for the first time. After an evening of well-lubricated merry-making, I woke up the next morning to find a brown stain on the sheets that had certainly not been there the night before!
Being much older at the time, I considered my options relatively calmly, and came to the conclusion that I could do nothing about cleaning it up, but would explain what had happened to the parents at breakfast. This I did, and was very relieved at the reply:- “Ah, don’t worry, that often happens to people who aren’t used to our local beer!”
So, no embarrassment after all!
I decided then and there that embarrassment was all in the mind, and there was really no need for it at all, if you could control it, and rationalise the reasons for it.
A change of water has the opposite effect, I found. Nothing wants to move! When you finally get round to having to sort the problem out, its difficult, as the size of the offending object blocking the passage has increased with every passing day. This was most apparent during a camping holiday in France one year. I kept looking for somewhere to go, but for some strange reason never found anything suitable. Eventually, my body was rebelling so much that the matter had to be resolved – immediately! The nearest opportunity I found was a wood – not as dense as I would have liked, by any means, but by that time I was past caring – it had to be now!
So, I accordingly prepared for action, and squatted, and waited for Nature to do its job. Unfortunately, this job was apparently more than Nature had reckoned with, and it wasn’t going to happen without some forceful intervention from myself.
So, I strained – nothing happened.
I strained harder – I thought I detected a hint of movement.
I strained harder still – and, yes, it began to move slowly. Ah, I thought, there is hope for me yet!
The joy and relief I felt when that lump began to exit the anus defies my descriptive abilities. But it wasn’t finished yet! It got so far, and then refused to budge even a fraction of an inch more!
What could possibly be wrong now, I thought?
Then I realised, I would have to adjust my crouch position to give it more room. This was a huge one!
Some time later – even though I was at home, I experienced an even worse situation. I was simply unable to move an offending lump out of the body. It was stuck. Strain as I might, there was no persuading it!
This is one of the times when I broke out into a cold sweat. Then I began to consider the matter, to see if anything at all could be done. Medication would have only caused additional problems, as to force things might have caused physical damage internally. And that would have meant a delay, in any case, after which the situation would be correspondingly worse. An operation? A horror to be avoided at all costs!
What could I do now that would help? I only had one answer to that question, and after a moment’s consideration inserted a middle finger into my anus, and started to feel for the offending object. At first I couldn’t reach it, but found by straining gently I could move it down to a position where it was accessible. Then it was a question of reducing its size with my fingernail until it was small enough to pass out.
This is something you can do for yourself in an emergency situation. Its your own body – don’t be afraid of it.
It is not something I would recommend asking a friend to do for you. Can you imagine how the conversation would go? “Up a bit”, “Down a bit”, “To the left”, “To the right”, and they cannot sense what is happening in your body as you can. There would be a serious risk of pain, or even damage.
What else? Ah yes – the Chinese Restaurant. I was happily tucking into one of my favourite meals when I had to sneeze. I had a mouthful of rice at the time, and the astonished diners at a nearby table received a share of my meal at unexpectedly high velocity. Well, nothing much to do about that, apart from apologize. Nothing to get upset about, or embarrassed, at all!
And the other one? Sorry, that is private!
Do you have any such moments that you would like to share?
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